A Little Too Introverted

"Physically, I'm really attracted to you. Spiritually, I feel like we connect. Socially, you're a little more introverted that I'm used to... "

 

And then he went on about how there was some weird X-factor thing that I was missing too. But basically what I got out of the convo was that there was something terribly wrong with me, and a big part of that was my introvertedness. I had never seen this whole introversion as a thing much less a real problem. But from that moment I was paralyzed... for a good while, in fact. Trying desperately to snap out of this personality trait that was keeping me from what I thought was my full potential. Isn't it funny how no matter what positives are thrown our way, it's the negatives that stick? And by funny, I mean it's not funny at all. It's horrible.

 

After being torn for a while and playing out my life story to see where I might have gone wrong in becoming this way, I realized that this introvert was incurable and I reluctantly accepted it. 

 

Sooooo... I hoped and prayed for the only solution that I knew of. That's right, I prayed that God would give me the perfect extrovert of a spouse to counter my introvertedness. In my head, I would automatically rule out any potential fellow that gave me a glimmer of non-extrovert tendencies. Why would I need that anyway?! I need a raging beast to help me come out of this shell I live in.

 

I also found myself using this label of being an introvert as an excuse as to why I would or wouldn't do certain things. It's like I'd use it as a shield before even giving stuff a second thought. When people would ask me to do something I'd automaticaly think "No, I'm way too introverted to do that." And when I actually did do something out of the ordinary for how I saw introverts as being, I'd be really surprised with myself & view it as a fluke.

Over time though and as life has unfolded I've realized something: just because I am introverted doesn't mean shizzle diz! Seriously. I do & behave as things stir me and motivate me. To some people (including myself at times) there are things that I do that appear completely extroverted & out of character. But I love those things. And so I do them. And then there are things that fall under my label. And I love those things... so I do them!

At the end of the day, I think that label is just one way of understanding ourselves, but it shouldn't ever define who we are & it especially should never hold us back from anything.
 

So guess what? The guy in the above statement was right! I AM a little more introverted than he was used to... and that's okay. I'm also more extroverted than I give myself credit for.  And that is a-okay too!

I accept it. I embrace it. And I rejoice.

No Wheat? No Dairy? No problem!

And I should also add, no refined sugar, no peanuts, no chickpeas and... no chocolate! Ah!!

It's been a year. Yes. A year since I've eaten these things. And had you known my eating habits prior to October 15, 2012, you'd have observed that being the bakesta' that I am, I ate one or all of these things on a daily basis. But surprisingly when my doctor told me I need to steer clear of these foodie delights, I wasn't sad. I took it as a challenge. A culinary challenge. Here's the thing about me... as much as I love chocolate and all those things I listed above, what I love more is a culinary challenge. So with arms wide open I dove into this thing head on. And let me tell you, it's been the most informative and delicious culinary adventure I've been on thus far (and before all this I had about five years dedicated to self-taught chocolatiering... so that's saying something!)

I've experimented with more flours than I knew existed. I've discovered fruits and veggies galore. My palate has been retrained in the ways of sweetness. And interestingly enough, my sense of smell has heightened (this comes in handy when I bake "normal" things for others that I can no longer taste test... I call it bake by smell).

This whole dealio came at a perfect time and I am thankful. Not only has it aided in the growth of an already existing passion of mine, but my food restrictions made themselves known after I had dabbled enough in the baking world. Having had tried techniques and tastes, I can use my prior knowledge in the way I bake and cook.

So while people often feel like this is some burden for me, I see it as a gift. It "forced" me to step out of my foodie comfort zone and venture into a new place. I basically can accommodate most any food allergies that others might have. I know this is silly, but it reminds me in the Bible where it talks about going through hardships for the sake of walking through similar future hardships with others. Since food is a love language, I appreciate that I can understand other people's food restrictions so much more now.

And while I do hope one day I can taste a simple chocolate bar or bowl of hummus again, I honestly feel like this is a delicious dream come true.

The Thought That Counts

The thoughts I have I hold so dear

As though they're helpful for me

Whether or not they are the truth

Is a whole different story

A thought's a seed planted within 

The soil of human minds

And when the seed is fed enough

It grows and sprouts a kind

Of fruit that can be sweet or sour

Subjective yes, it's true

Some find the bitter taste real sweet

While to others it will not do

For thoughts can turn to actions quick

And reality they become

What was pretend and in my head

Was birthed and said and done

I want to be a person who

Knows sweetness from the sour

I want my fruit to be the best

To spread love and empower

And with the thought, the seed, it starts

So please help me to know

What is of You and what it not

The good seeds, Lord, let's sow!

Whatsoever Things Are...

I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true...

Like the fact that I cannot control everything and that is okay

noble...

Like unnoticed acts of kindness

reputable...

Like integrous people & organizations  

authentic...

Like my grandma's cooking

compelling...

Like heart felt music

gracious...

Like smiling

the best, not the worst...

I'm alive today, not "ugh, another day?!!"

the beautiful, not the ugly...

Spider webs are amazing creations, and we'll just skip over the creepy crawlies who make that happen

things to praise, not things to curse.

A peacewalk, not a morning commute

Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into His most excellent harmonies.

I am a story, a poem, a song

~   ~   ~

So... did I just make light of a profound verse? I don't think so. I often get caught in a rut of my thoughts. I dwell on what could be, should be, would be and all the things that aren't. As much as I wish I was a optimist, I fall under the category of pessimist more often than not... if anything in my inner most thoughts. And because of this, the above truly rattles me and challenges me to new heights. Sometimes I need to even think of things that are seemingly trivial (like my grandma's delightful food). Because everything starts in the heart & mind... and I ought to have a good start!

RFKC

I just completed my tenth year at Royal Family Kids Camp. This is an organization I never would have pegged myself as being involved with. But for whatever purpose, I've been brought to this fun & challenging place.

Every year, there's a fleeting moment at camp where I think "I'm never doing this again" and then every year I get back and think "This was the best year ever!" And this year was no exception. Seriously... this was the BEST! I feel like a gooey mess covered in cheese when I think and talk about how GREAT this year was.

Great doesn't equal smooth sailing with zero glitches. In fact, this year we had plenty of crises. Plenty. Like whoa. Like... sleep deprivation inducing. Like my moment of "I'm never doing this again" lasted longer than a moment.

But in spite of the crazy, there was so much unity and love and support. Everywhere. Between counselors and campers. Campers and staff. Campers and campers. Counselors and staff. And every other combo in between. It was beautiful. People had each other's backs. The self sacrifice I observed and received was so powerful.

Encouragement towards campers and fellow staff. Giving of one's resources. Taking over tasks for the good of others, even when the tanks running on empty. The bond between kidlets and adults was stickier than the glue lice set between nits & a hair shaft.

I love RFKC for so many reasons. I love the work we do with the kids. I love being a kid. I love the cohesiveness of our team. I love that this is a true display of the church. This is what we are called to do. Live in community and love one another with a love that goes beyond our own capabilities.

And that's why I'll keep coming back.

Grass is Always Greener and Eyes Are Always Teenier

One day when I was in first grade, my teacher gathered me and my class around her rocking chair. Her goal was to tell us something she liked about each and every one of us.

She went around, student by student, giving out kind words to us. I don't remember much of what she said, except for the words spoken to my friends Felicia, Sophia & me.

She came to Felicia (who was an adorably hyper girl) and said "I just love your squeaky little voice!"

I thought that my teacher was so right. Felicia's voice was super cute and squeaky. She got such a good compliment!

She got to Sophia (who was a calm, sweet girl that happened to be of Asian decent) and said "Your eyes are so cute and tiny! I love them!"

Oh dang, my teacher was dead on! Sophia's eyes were the cutest. I remember squinting a little at that point in an effort to have cute eyes too.

She then came to me and goes "Now you are funny!"

What?! Seriously?? I'm funny? That's what you have for me?!! What about my eyes? And I kid you not for the next week or so I squinted in class as often as I could. 'Cause I wanted cute eyes dangnabit!

Fast forward to being old. Aka today.

I'm not hilarious... and I don't think I'm a comedian. But I think a sense of humor is good. And it's now clear to me that my teacher saying I'm funny was, in fact, a compliment I should've embraced rather than brushed off with hopes of eye-shrinkage.

And it turns out that big eyes are kind of a big deal. Now don't roll your eyes at me... I don't think I'm all that with my big ol' eyes. The point of this tale is that we, as humans, are quick to overlook the goodness we already have. I know, for me at least, I see so much more beauty in things apart from myself. It is so easy to appreciate others. Then it's like the moment I see myself, some weird filter taints my perspective. I know it. Yet I still do it. So funny. And sad.

If 20-something me could go back in time and have a heart to heart with first grade me, you bet your buns I would!

The Place You Shouldn't Be

In the place you shouldn't be

Life's unsettled & unhappy

Though the purpose may be grand

Being there seems kind of bland

Deep within, it may not show

But bitterness begins to grow

Slowy breeding larger beasts

Vicious, viperous things with teeth

You want out but know not how

You need out, you need it now!

Yet you stay, stuck in the hole

Giving up your dreams & goals

Teardrops turn you into rust

Day by day about to bust

Ah, but look! This ain't the end

Listen closely, listen friend!

Hear it now this rhyme's big lesson

Keeping you from a life depressin'

Do yourself and all a favor

Choose a path your heart with savor

Jump right in despite the scary

In the end your heart'll be merry!