Living In Denial

Sometimes I feel like trusting God is the same as living in denial.

 

Denial because the reality that's before me clearly is not necessarily favorable. Denial because it seems like nothing good can be sprung forth from what is. So in my head, saying I trust God is equated with denying that what's actually happening is happening.

 

But I guess that is actually what trust is. Trusting God is actually in control and not limited by what's before me. Trusting is denial in a sense. It's denying myself control and placing faith in Him. That He actually can give us miracles. He can. And He will. Because I think, I know and I've experienced that that is how God works. Through miracles. How quickly I forget when I face my next need. But the reality is my reality of madness ain't no thang for Him.

 

 

Oh God. I trust You. It is a little unnerving, but I trust You.

A Little Too Introverted

"Physically, I'm really attracted to you. Spiritually, I feel like we connect. Socially, you're a little more introverted that I'm used to... "

 

And then he went on about how there was some weird X-factor thing that I was missing too. But basically what I got out of the convo was that there was something terribly wrong with me, and a big part of that was my introvertedness. I had never seen this whole introversion as a thing much less a real problem. But from that moment I was paralyzed... for a good while, in fact. Trying desperately to snap out of this personality trait that was keeping me from what I thought was my full potential. Isn't it funny how no matter what positives are thrown our way, it's the negatives that stick? And by funny, I mean it's not funny at all. It's horrible.

 

After being torn for a while and playing out my life story to see where I might have gone wrong in becoming this way, I realized that this introvert was incurable and I reluctantly accepted it. 

 

Sooooo... I hoped and prayed for the only solution that I knew of. That's right, I prayed that God would give me the perfect extrovert of a spouse to counter my introvertedness. In my head, I would automatically rule out any potential fellow that gave me a glimmer of non-extrovert tendencies. Why would I need that anyway?! I need a raging beast to help me come out of this shell I live in.

 

I also found myself using this label of being an introvert as an excuse as to why I would or wouldn't do certain things. It's like I'd use it as a shield before even giving stuff a second thought. When people would ask me to do something I'd automaticaly think "No, I'm way too introverted to do that." And when I actually did do something out of the ordinary for how I saw introverts as being, I'd be really surprised with myself & view it as a fluke.

Over time though and as life has unfolded I've realized something: just because I am introverted doesn't mean shizzle diz! Seriously. I do & behave as things stir me and motivate me. To some people (including myself at times) there are things that I do that appear completely extroverted & out of character. But I love those things. And so I do them. And then there are things that fall under my label. And I love those things... so I do them!

At the end of the day, I think that label is just one way of understanding ourselves, but it shouldn't ever define who we are & it especially should never hold us back from anything.
 

So guess what? The guy in the above statement was right! I AM a little more introverted than he was used to... and that's okay. I'm also more extroverted than I give myself credit for.  And that is a-okay too!

I accept it. I embrace it. And I rejoice.