"I Don't Got No Secretary!"

I was recently spending time with one of my friends who is charmingly free with her words. She is also a youngster. I feel like, though young, there is wisdom found in her simple statements.

She was texting this guy who she'd heard through the grapevine (oh hello, how old am I?? the grapevine?! such a gran...) likes her. She was telling me how stupid it is that he can't just tell her to her face. And she goes "If you like me, tell me! I don't got no secretary!!" And I died of laughter... several times in fact. I kept thinking about those words while we were hanging out and would randomly burst into laughter throughout the entire afternoon. A) because she said it in such a hilarious way and B) though simple and abrupt, it's kind of... really... absolutely true!

Not just with romantic relationships, but with all relationships. If there is something to say, it's probably best to go ahead and say it to the person it's aimed at rather than chit chatting to everyone but. For being a society that claims to get things done efficiently, I'd say this is a common practice that is quite counter productive to what we strive to be.

So as this year comes to a close, I'm going to try to embrace this profound truth. Direct communication. One of lifes more beautiful difficulties.

I like that. And I want to live like no one has a secretary...

'Cause fuh reelz... I ain't got no secretary yo!

Living In Denial

Sometimes I feel like trusting God is the same as living in denial.

 

Denial because the reality that's before me clearly is not necessarily favorable. Denial because it seems like nothing good can be sprung forth from what is. So in my head, saying I trust God is equated with denying that what's actually happening is happening.

 

But I guess that is actually what trust is. Trusting God is actually in control and not limited by what's before me. Trusting is denial in a sense. It's denying myself control and placing faith in Him. That He actually can give us miracles. He can. And He will. Because I think, I know and I've experienced that that is how God works. Through miracles. How quickly I forget when I face my next need. But the reality is my reality of madness ain't no thang for Him.

 

 

Oh God. I trust You. It is a little unnerving, but I trust You.

A Little Too Introverted

"Physically, I'm really attracted to you. Spiritually, I feel like we connect. Socially, you're a little more introverted that I'm used to... "

 

And then he went on about how there was some weird X-factor thing that I was missing too. But basically what I got out of the convo was that there was something terribly wrong with me, and a big part of that was my introvertedness. I had never seen this whole introversion as a thing much less a real problem. But from that moment I was paralyzed... for a good while, in fact. Trying desperately to snap out of this personality trait that was keeping me from what I thought was my full potential. Isn't it funny how no matter what positives are thrown our way, it's the negatives that stick? And by funny, I mean it's not funny at all. It's horrible.

 

After being torn for a while and playing out my life story to see where I might have gone wrong in becoming this way, I realized that this introvert was incurable and I reluctantly accepted it. 

 

Sooooo... I hoped and prayed for the only solution that I knew of. That's right, I prayed that God would give me the perfect extrovert of a spouse to counter my introvertedness. In my head, I would automatically rule out any potential fellow that gave me a glimmer of non-extrovert tendencies. Why would I need that anyway?! I need a raging beast to help me come out of this shell I live in.

 

I also found myself using this label of being an introvert as an excuse as to why I would or wouldn't do certain things. It's like I'd use it as a shield before even giving stuff a second thought. When people would ask me to do something I'd automaticaly think "No, I'm way too introverted to do that." And when I actually did do something out of the ordinary for how I saw introverts as being, I'd be really surprised with myself & view it as a fluke.

Over time though and as life has unfolded I've realized something: just because I am introverted doesn't mean shizzle diz! Seriously. I do & behave as things stir me and motivate me. To some people (including myself at times) there are things that I do that appear completely extroverted & out of character. But I love those things. And so I do them. And then there are things that fall under my label. And I love those things... so I do them!

At the end of the day, I think that label is just one way of understanding ourselves, but it shouldn't ever define who we are & it especially should never hold us back from anything.
 

So guess what? The guy in the above statement was right! I AM a little more introverted than he was used to... and that's okay. I'm also more extroverted than I give myself credit for.  And that is a-okay too!

I accept it. I embrace it. And I rejoice.

No Wheat? No Dairy? No problem!

And I should also add, no refined sugar, no peanuts, no chickpeas and... no chocolate! Ah!!

It's been a year. Yes. A year since I've eaten these things. And had you known my eating habits prior to October 15, 2012, you'd have observed that being the bakesta' that I am, I ate one or all of these things on a daily basis. But surprisingly when my doctor told me I need to steer clear of these foodie delights, I wasn't sad. I took it as a challenge. A culinary challenge. Here's the thing about me... as much as I love chocolate and all those things I listed above, what I love more is a culinary challenge. So with arms wide open I dove into this thing head on. And let me tell you, it's been the most informative and delicious culinary adventure I've been on thus far (and before all this I had about five years dedicated to self-taught chocolatiering... so that's saying something!)

I've experimented with more flours than I knew existed. I've discovered fruits and veggies galore. My palate has been retrained in the ways of sweetness. And interestingly enough, my sense of smell has heightened (this comes in handy when I bake "normal" things for others that I can no longer taste test... I call it bake by smell).

This whole dealio came at a perfect time and I am thankful. Not only has it aided in the growth of an already existing passion of mine, but my food restrictions made themselves known after I had dabbled enough in the baking world. Having had tried techniques and tastes, I can use my prior knowledge in the way I bake and cook.

So while people often feel like this is some burden for me, I see it as a gift. It "forced" me to step out of my foodie comfort zone and venture into a new place. I basically can accommodate most any food allergies that others might have. I know this is silly, but it reminds me in the Bible where it talks about going through hardships for the sake of walking through similar future hardships with others. Since food is a love language, I appreciate that I can understand other people's food restrictions so much more now.

And while I do hope one day I can taste a simple chocolate bar or bowl of hummus again, I honestly feel like this is a delicious dream come true.

The Thought That Counts

The thoughts I have I hold so dear

As though they're helpful for me

Whether or not they are the truth

Is a whole different story

A thought's a seed planted within 

The soil of human minds

And when the seed is fed enough

It grows and sprouts a kind

Of fruit that can be sweet or sour

Subjective yes, it's true

Some find the bitter taste real sweet

While to others it will not do

For thoughts can turn to actions quick

And reality they become

What was pretend and in my head

Was birthed and said and done

I want to be a person who

Knows sweetness from the sour

I want my fruit to be the best

To spread love and empower

And with the thought, the seed, it starts

So please help me to know

What is of You and what it not

The good seeds, Lord, let's sow!

Whatsoever Things Are...

I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true...

Like the fact that I cannot control everything and that is okay

noble...

Like unnoticed acts of kindness

reputable...

Like integrous people & organizations  

authentic...

Like my grandma's cooking

compelling...

Like heart felt music

gracious...

Like smiling

the best, not the worst...

I'm alive today, not "ugh, another day?!!"

the beautiful, not the ugly...

Spider webs are amazing creations, and we'll just skip over the creepy crawlies who make that happen

things to praise, not things to curse.

A peacewalk, not a morning commute

Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into His most excellent harmonies.

I am a story, a poem, a song

~   ~   ~

So... did I just make light of a profound verse? I don't think so. I often get caught in a rut of my thoughts. I dwell on what could be, should be, would be and all the things that aren't. As much as I wish I was a optimist, I fall under the category of pessimist more often than not... if anything in my inner most thoughts. And because of this, the above truly rattles me and challenges me to new heights. Sometimes I need to even think of things that are seemingly trivial (like my grandma's delightful food). Because everything starts in the heart & mind... and I ought to have a good start!

RFKC

I just completed my tenth year at Royal Family Kids Camp. This is an organization I never would have pegged myself as being involved with. But for whatever purpose, I've been brought to this fun & challenging place.

Every year, there's a fleeting moment at camp where I think "I'm never doing this again" and then every year I get back and think "This was the best year ever!" And this year was no exception. Seriously... this was the BEST! I feel like a gooey mess covered in cheese when I think and talk about how GREAT this year was.

Great doesn't equal smooth sailing with zero glitches. In fact, this year we had plenty of crises. Plenty. Like whoa. Like... sleep deprivation inducing. Like my moment of "I'm never doing this again" lasted longer than a moment.

But in spite of the crazy, there was so much unity and love and support. Everywhere. Between counselors and campers. Campers and staff. Campers and campers. Counselors and staff. And every other combo in between. It was beautiful. People had each other's backs. The self sacrifice I observed and received was so powerful.

Encouragement towards campers and fellow staff. Giving of one's resources. Taking over tasks for the good of others, even when the tanks running on empty. The bond between kidlets and adults was stickier than the glue lice set between nits & a hair shaft.

I love RFKC for so many reasons. I love the work we do with the kids. I love being a kid. I love the cohesiveness of our team. I love that this is a true display of the church. This is what we are called to do. Live in community and love one another with a love that goes beyond our own capabilities.

And that's why I'll keep coming back.

Grass is Always Greener and Eyes Are Always Teenier

One day when I was in first grade, my teacher gathered me and my class around her rocking chair. Her goal was to tell us something she liked about each and every one of us.

She went around, student by student, giving out kind words to us. I don't remember much of what she said, except for the words spoken to my friends Felicia, Sophia & me.

She came to Felicia (who was an adorably hyper girl) and said "I just love your squeaky little voice!"

I thought that my teacher was so right. Felicia's voice was super cute and squeaky. She got such a good compliment!

She got to Sophia (who was a calm, sweet girl that happened to be of Asian decent) and said "Your eyes are so cute and tiny! I love them!"

Oh dang, my teacher was dead on! Sophia's eyes were the cutest. I remember squinting a little at that point in an effort to have cute eyes too.

She then came to me and goes "Now you are funny!"

What?! Seriously?? I'm funny? That's what you have for me?!! What about my eyes? And I kid you not for the next week or so I squinted in class as often as I could. 'Cause I wanted cute eyes dangnabit!

Fast forward to being old. Aka today.

I'm not hilarious... and I don't think I'm a comedian. But I think a sense of humor is good. And it's now clear to me that my teacher saying I'm funny was, in fact, a compliment I should've embraced rather than brushed off with hopes of eye-shrinkage.

And it turns out that big eyes are kind of a big deal. Now don't roll your eyes at me... I don't think I'm all that with my big ol' eyes. The point of this tale is that we, as humans, are quick to overlook the goodness we already have. I know, for me at least, I see so much more beauty in things apart from myself. It is so easy to appreciate others. Then it's like the moment I see myself, some weird filter taints my perspective. I know it. Yet I still do it. So funny. And sad.

If 20-something me could go back in time and have a heart to heart with first grade me, you bet your buns I would!

The Place You Shouldn't Be

In the place you shouldn't be

Life's unsettled & unhappy

Though the purpose may be grand

Being there seems kind of bland

Deep within, it may not show

But bitterness begins to grow

Slowy breeding larger beasts

Vicious, viperous things with teeth

You want out but know not how

You need out, you need it now!

Yet you stay, stuck in the hole

Giving up your dreams & goals

Teardrops turn you into rust

Day by day about to bust

Ah, but look! This ain't the end

Listen closely, listen friend!

Hear it now this rhyme's big lesson

Keeping you from a life depressin'

Do yourself and all a favor

Choose a path your heart with savor

Jump right in despite the scary

In the end your heart'll be merry!

Reviving Scars

A few months ago I got injured... injured bad! I got a second degree burn because of... ready for this? Water! WATER!! My good and faithful beverage! So sad, but it really happened. During a routine pour of boiling water into my purple tumbler, I instead poured the water directly onto my hand. To say that it was painful is an understatement and it burned for a good 12 plus hours. It underwent a mega-metamorphosis from cute bubble blister to a cryptic mass of flesh wound that was filled with pus & gore. It changed daily and I was somehow taken by its "charm" to the point of documenting it via phone photos every single day. Over time it eventually fizzled and to this day the thing that remains is a scar.

About two ago, I realized my phone was low on space 'cause of all the photos of my burn so I decided to email the pictures to myself & get them off my phone. So I did.

Or so I thought.

Turns out the photo files never actually attached to two of the emails I sent (I had to do them in batches 'cause there were so many pictures!). But I didn't realize it until the next day when I was looking through my emails. "OH NO!!! MY BURN!!", I exclaimed! My mom was nearby and asked me what was wrong. So I told her that my precious burn pictures were gone. She looked at me and laughed a little and said "Why would you want to remember that?"

And that kind of resonated within me. I find myself often reliving previous hurts... over & over again. Why? Why would I want to remember that?

Maybe it's because when I relive the pain, I see myself as a victim... helpless... and in such case, nothing is my fault. At all. Or maybe reliving pain is just a way of me avoiding moving forward with what remains as healing takes place.

I'm not sure where all this is coming from, or where it's leading me to. They are just my thoughts on the matter. And this is hardly a conclusion, but are we ever really done learning from this life?

Now, all depth aside, I really do wish I had all my burn pics still. 'Cause I mean really, how many people live life with an experience like that?!

Crummy Gone Yummy

I made a tasty dessert recently for a friend's birthday. It was devoured by me and those in my company. It was beautiful, smooth, balanced in flavor and just so perfec... wait. There's more to it than that. It was nearly a disaster at one point. Those that saw the end result had no idea how distraught I was while making it. Here's what happened...

I had this vision of a tart made with a spiced crust and a coconut-macadamia ice cream filling. I planned and prepped well in advance. I even special ordered a gluten free spice cookie mix that I intended to transform. Everything I could control was going great. Until bake time...

You think I (being the bakesta that I am) would know how to work with a mix, right? Well, let's just say I got pretty stuck. Yea, the crust stuck to the pan! Like, completely stuck. I was twirling the pan in an effort to move it even just a little bit! Nothing. How on earth was I supposed to present an elegant tart when I'd be wrestling it to slice a piece?!

I decided it was better for me to wrestle it before the birthday shindig arrived. So the battle began. After a lot of prodding I managed to get what most of it out. But it was deformed, so I started "shaping" it. Yes, I molded the crust. It was in an interesting state and pretty darn pliable. Eventually it resembled a rustic crust. I was happy with it. A good chunk of it was still left in the pan, but I was happy enough. I proceeded to fill it with coco-macadamia delight and popped it in the freezer. It wasn't the most beautiful thing in the world, but I knew it would at least taste good.

Time to wash that crust-covered pan. As I walked the tart pan to the sink I got sad thinking about the kitchen catastrophe. I saw the bits hanging onto the pan and hated that I was about to waste all of the tasty goodness.

And then BOOM!! Idea!!!

I grabbed platter and started clawing at the pan. I salvaged as much of the leftover crust as I could and ended up with a nice pile of sweetly spiced crumbs. I grabbed the tart out of the freezer and went to town covering it with cookie crumb goodness! It looked complete. I was actually quite pleased with it. And plus I saw it had having several texture components... which makes any dessert that much better!

Ah, I was so happy & satisfied.

And God spoke to me. Quick & simply, mind you.

Things can be annoyingly messy & seemingly a waste of everything. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense how anything of that ugly magnitude could be turned around. He takes my mess. My ugly, dirty mess and, in the way only He can do, He transforms things. Turns them into loveliness. As this song I heard years ago says "laaaaaaate in the midnight hour God's gonna turn it around!!"

And I believe it. If a fail of a dessert can turn lovely by my hands, think of all the good to be made out of us by the Maker of all things! What a delicious life is in store!

Soul Food

About three months ago I was faced with a life change. I was told that I have food allergies/intolerances. Now I could go on & on about how this has affected me and caused me to rethink the way I consume food each day, but I won't... very much anyway. It is an adjustment. It is inconvenient at times. It is hard for me as a foodie to not partake in the food-love bestowed upon me. And it's a little tough to explain "why I can't just cheat" every now and then.

The food we eat is a part of who we are. If we're filling up on bad stuff, we're becoming that. I look back on my previous eating habits. The times when I'd just be so hungry and fill up on whatever would make the hunger pains subside. I could have been eating paste for all I knew. It tasted good & it satisfied my immediate craving.

But guess what? It goes beyond that. You see, I've been battling this little thing called digestion. My body literally hasn't been absorbing nutrients as it should. So no matter how healthy I might have been eating, it didn't matter. My bod just wasn't having it! How sad is that? We could be getting all the right stuff, but if we cannot digest it properly, there is hardly any good that can come of it.

So top notch nutrients come from raw foods, right? Right! BUT!!! My digestion was so whack that even that was too much for me to handle. So while all the nutritionalists & health articles had been telling to me to eat one way, it literally didn't do me any favors. I had to prep my food to integrate properly with my digestive tract. I couldn't force my body into something it wasn't ready for.

But beyond this physical thing, I've been enlightened. Yes. Such is life. I've reflected and pondered.

And God spoke to me.

The many things going into my heart, head and soul are reflected in who I am. Information, conversation, music... everything. As I fill myself with goodness... the things that I'm designed to run on... I'll be thriving in such a magnificent way. Likewise, if I am replacing the goodness with nasty, I'm changed accordingly. 

But even so, if my heart is not ready to receive information and input... how can I be transformed by these good things? My soul needs work. Lots of it. Step in God. Thankfully He is good at restoration. Taking my faulty "digestive tract" and making it new... making absorption possible. Am I taking this too far? Maybe, but this is how all of this is resonating within me these days.

And with the whole thing on prep work. All I have to say is we are not made to fit formulas. Each person is custom made and so it makes perfect sense that there are adjustments needed in what we take in. 

Does this make sense? It does to me. And thus concludes today's foodevotion.