Feed 5000? No Big Deal.

I was reading the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand in the gospel of Mark (you know? the five loaves & two fishies story?). It was followed by yet another miracle where Jesus walks on water. All of this is pretty gnarly if you ask me... or if you ask anyone, for that matter. But as I was reading, something struck me as even more crazy. When Jesus came over to the disciples in their boat... through a storm... while walking on the water... the text says "They were totally amazed, for they still didn't understand the significance of the miracle of the loaves. Their hearts were too hard to take it in"

What the WHAT?! From my standpoint, I hear this story and say "Whoa, how can they not let that penetrate their hearts?! He turned these itty bitties into copious amounts of food!! It's sooo obvious!!"

And then I live my life and don't even acknowledge the goodness granted to me.

I know God is God and He can do anything. It's literally no big deal for God to do great things. He's God! But much like the disciples in this story, I treat it like it's no big deal. I feel like I probably take advantage of the knowledge of His infinite ability and hardly let it strike me!

So here's the thing... God is good. He provides. He doesn't even need us to be like "Oh look what You did!". He just takes care of His sheepies. But... at the same time... I want to see Him at work. I want to recognize His work! I want to thank Him for all His goodness!

I wonder how many miracles I encounter every day... but am so preoccupied and hard-hearted that I simply cannot see or recognize?

28 on the 28th

I've finally hit it. My golden birthday. I turned 28 years old yesterday and for the first time in ten years, I'm not melancholy about being another year older. Don't ask me why I always got saddened when I gained another year, 'cause I couldn't tell you exactly why.

I do remember turning 18 and someone saying "It's time to grow up now!" I think it might have scared me real bad or something... because from that moment on birthdays were not joyous occasions. In part, it was probably connected to the fact that "being an adult" automatically meant having everything figured out. And let me tell you, I was nowhere close to having it all figure out at 18. Goodness, I still haven't quite gotten it!

But as the years have gone by, I've slowly fallen into the truth that "figuring it out" isn't really my number one task in life. In fact I think the title of my entire blog is closer to what my life's goal should be! If I use what I have and am a good steward of the skills, gifts, passions and everything I have... I think it'll be alright. And I have to say, coming to this realization (and truly letting it sink in) definitely releases the "bondage" of adulthood.

So I've been taking the things given to me and using them as my dear Lord leads. Some days it makes total sense what is going on... and other days I'm as confused as ever. I think the important thing is using the stuff we have. Just use it! No matter how big or small it may seem. As we use things, we'll be blessed all the more and those gifts we have will grow. It's like one of those sea monkeys. They start off small but as it's watered up and soaking over a period of time... it grows. Okay, maybe it's not exactly like the sea monkeys, but you know what I'm saying!

And here I am. A 28 year old girl. Embracing all that the next year of life holds. I am so very excited to see where life takes me and how these God-given gifts and desires will play out in all that lies ahead.

It's not my job to figure out this life. It is, however, my job to follow the One who has it all figured out! Off we go!!

By Your Grace

In May of last year, I was spending time with the One who made me. I like to sing and so naturally one way I show my affection is through music. I was reflecting on how much confusion and brokenness I live in, and clinging to the fact that He is the only One who can pull me out. Out of this time, a simple chorus was formed and it got stuck in my head. As the week continued, the chorus gained some verses and a bridge.

My church family has been blessed with wonderful musicians and songwriters. These are people with experience and insight that goes far beyond anything I could imagine upon myself, so I feel blessed to be considered a part of this demographic. And because of this presence of writers, a songwriting group was formed. It just so happened that at the end of the week I wrote the song, we had one of our meetings. Through the sharing of the song and feedback received, I went back to work and "By Your Grace" became what it is today. It was really a demonstration of God's grace in how this song came about. His timing, His provision, His grace allowed for this song to come forth. And now a little more about the song...

You see, we live in a broken world and it is only by grace that we can be saved. There's darkness & confusion. Worry and sadness. But there is hope! And His name is Jesus. We call & cry out to God, and He pulls us closer to Himself and covers us by His love and grace. I am thankful.

I think we often try to earn our place in His kingdom, but there is just nothing we can do to deserve anything. And that's where grace steps in and takes us to glorious places. He takes the brokenness, the darkness, the stress, the crazy, the wrong and the right... and uses them all for His purpose & His will. Our job is simple & hard all at the same time for us humanly folk... to trust and obey. His grace covers all.

So as I share this song on this little bloggeroo, my wish is that you really adopt this song-prayer as your own and allow the comfort & knowledge of grace resonate within your soul. I've recently been given a beautiful opportunity to share this song in a more public manner. It's surreal and soooo cool all at the same time.... and yet another display of God's grace.

The darkness swells around me

All I see is empty space

Still You hold every part of me by Your grace

Lord, You save

I'm calling out Your name as I bow down

Calling out Your name as I cry

So pull me into You for I'm broken

Cover me by Your grace

You search and know and love me

In everlasting ways

So I call to You for mercy

And by Your grace

Lord, You save

I'm calling out Your name as I bow down

Calling out Your name as I cry

So pull me into You for I'm broken

Cover me by Your grace

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus... hold me still

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Your grace and will

I'm calling out Your name as I bow down

Calling out Your name as I cry

So pull me into You for I'm broken

Cover me by Your grace

Break To Open

So... apparently I am a songwriter. I know it sounds weird that I say it like that, but if you knew all my past insecurities about the matter you'd understand a bit more. But yes, God's given me this sweet gift of song-ifying. And though I can't confidently say this was always a part of who I am, maybe the truth is it was always a part of me and I simply wasn't aware. Until recently...

I used to think there was a special formula or something for writing songs. I have been blessed to know so many talented songwriters, and so while I knew it was not right to think this way... I felt I had a lot to live up to. After a while I just accepted the fact that I was a vocalizer, not writer. And I was okay with that.

But... you see, God put a song in my heart yet I didn't know it was there. But it doesn't matter that I was oblivious, 'cause He knew... and it was just a matter of time before it surfaced and broke free. It literally came out when my heart broke. How cliche is that? I don't mind though, because it's how God brought forth the gift in me. 

Songs are many things and encapsulate so much. Songs are dreams. Songs are thoughts. Songs are silly. Songs are prayers. 

Strange as it sounds, my first song started while I was sitting in a curriculum design class, almost two years ago now. I often write prayers to God and what started as a prayer of circumstance, turned into a prayer of life-surrender, which then became a musical prayer (aka song) that afternoon in my devo-time after class. I feel like the best part of this whole "becoming a songwriter" process was that the first song that I wrote is what I consider the very purpose for my music and being, period!

Every thought and every word, I trust in Your endless love

Every step my soul cries out "I surrender all"

I long for You

Glorify Yourself in me, all I desire is Yours

And as I look to You in all You have for me

All that I am is in You, Lord

Teach me in the ways of You, I am lost without

Grateful heart in all that comes from you, please show me how

I long for You

Glorify Yourself in me, all I desire is Yours

And as I look to You in all You have for me

All that I am is in You, Lord

It took brokenness for this gift to be open in my life. I had to break for it to open! And while being broken is not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world... there is no better comfort than being in the hands of the ultimate Healer. Now I've got this gift that I fully intend to use, remember the title of this blog? Using what we have. 

But because You say so...

I've been simmering on this story from Luke 5 for the last few days and I just can't seem to shake it...

"One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, the people were crowing around Him and listening to the word of God. He saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then He sat down and taught the people from the boat. When he had finished speaking, He said to Simon, 'Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.' Simon answered, 'Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because You say so, I will let down the nets.'"

And to cut to the chase, basically they put out their nets and caught more fish than imaginable. Amazing.

I try to do things the way they "ought" to be done. I follow the rules and go the safest route possible. But I am gradually learning that ultimately I'm not the one calling the shots. Now, keep in mind, there is nothing wrong with working hard and trying to get 'er done! But I like to think I'm pretty logical. So if something doesn't add up quite right, I hardly give it another thought. 

Simon (aka Peter) worked his tail off the night before, during the prime time for fish catching. And nothing happened. So when this God-man came around with advice that went against all he knew to be true, I wonder what went through his mind. I mean, he basically said "We already tried... during the best time of day, at that! Your advice doesn't make sense". But it doesn't really matter that he said that, right? Because what he said next was what mattered most. "But because YOU say so, I'll do it!" And before he knew it, there was a fish fest in his boat!

So I guess it doesn't matter if the prompting of the Lord defies gravity. If He says it, we best be doing it. Because He knows better than all of humanity and goes beyond all that makes sense. I'm glad I know Him. 

Mai Ka

Once upon a time I had a mighty grape of a car. Her name was Carl. Carl the Car. She was the sweetest drop of purple rain I've ever driven. She was the car I received as a high schooler and she lasted me a little over eight years. She was a faithful ride, quirks & all. But alas, our time together is no more...

The day she died, that fateful December day exactly a year ago, I was on my way to a Soup & Bread Fest with friends (with my West African Peanut Soup in tow... see previous post to understand my affections for this soup). I was at a stop sign and right as I lifted my foot from the brake the transmission went out. Forever. But for some odd reason, I felt okay. I think I just knew it was a long time coming... and I didn't cry. I merely sat there... stuck at a fourway stop... cars honking at me... and I wasn't upset. The time had come. So after the initial shock, and a couple dudes coming to my window and asking me what my dealio was, we got moving. They helped push my car to a more convenient location and I carried on with my night. A friend picked me up and I brought my pot of love to join the others for the wintery festivities.

(This is Carl the day after she died, I raided her of all the trinkets and toys I had stored in her over the years. This is where she died and this is where she remained... until the tow truck took her to a better place)

Now, I'm not saying it was a fun experience to lose Carl. Not at all. I did have my moment of tears in the days to come. But at the very moment she died, I felt a sense of peace. Is that weird? Perhaps. But you see my life with Carl was a thing of the past. No, I never dealt drugs or transported illegal weapons in her. She was a rather good car... very fitting for me. She was purple for crying out loud! But just 'cause something is good for a season doesn't mean it's meant for you for forever. Saying goodbye to Carl was almost like in The Lion King when Rafiki looked at the grown up picture of Simba and declared "It is time!". When Carl died, it was like Rafiki painted a mane on the lion cub-ishness of my transportation and told me to move on.

Sometimes, I feel like we wait for things to be in order before we're ready to move on. But I think there are times when we just need to let go before we can even have a glimpse of what is to come. And when that new thing comes, I can guarantee you it's not going to be a bed of roses forever and always. Let's get back to the story of my transport (or lack there of at this point in the plot line)...

When Carl died, I knew I had to find a replacement. However a couple weeks after all this happening, I ended up in South Korea for a month, which was actually a nice break from the stress of searching. But of course the moment I returned, the search was back on... full force. Tears and all. I can be extremely a little dramatic at times, so when I was having a difficult time finding a new car... I was less than fun to be around in my "moments". Until one day...

I got a call about a silver little cutie pie of a car that fit my requirements. I saw her, and decided she was mine. So I named her "Mai Ka" (like a mix between the name "Micah" 'cause I've always liked that name, and when someone says "hey, that's my caaaa!!")

Now the relationship between me and Mai Ka hasn't been smooth sailing by any means, but it works. And while I could do without all of the speed bumps we've faced together, she's what I need for this time of my life. I couldn't have predicted that I'd meet Mai Ka at the time I did, and I couldn't have foreseen the immediate struggle we'd go through (we've had several accidents in the short time we've been together), but somehow this addition of Mai Ka in my life came right when I needed her most and she's still here.

How long will Mai Ka & I be driving buddies? I can't say for sure... but I am learning that seasons are just that. A season... so I will embrace Mai Ka for this season, however long it may last and together we'll ride like the wind!!

Grooving with The Groves

It was a cold, blustery night in Portland exactly one year ago. There was a light dusting of snow on the ground, which threatened my dinner plans because of the little grape of a Dodge Neon I was driving... but I made it. Over the river and through the 'burbs to the southeast side I went for a pho-licious dinner with a new(ish) friend.

Before I continue, I'd like to take a moment to back up and give you some history. For the sake of brevity (and trust me, this could be WAY longer), I'll limit it to bullet points. Paragraphical bullet points... and I promise they eventually tie together.

• In 2008, I met the above dinner date friend (Sunia) and her husband (Paul) on recommendation of another friend (Lori, who I am sure will be highlighted in blogs to come). My previous knowledge about them was 1) They were musicians 2) They came to Portland from the midwest to plant a church and 3) I'd really like them. It was kind of like a first date in the sense that you're trying to get to know the person in a very limited amount of time and all the while wonder if that other person likes you.
• Also in 2008, I started getting involved with a Portland community Bible study. (the same community group that led me to baking my first wedding cake, holla!)
• Fast forward to the very end of 2009. God started stirring things in my heart (as He does quite often). This time it was a sense of major change... and as you might have read from a previous post, I hate change. Especially change in a lifelong thing, like the place I attend church. I had been attending the same wonderful place my whole life, and while it's no big thing for a lot of people... it IS a big thing for me. It's hard to understand why a good thing needs to come to an end... and it would take an act of God to move me. So while it was uncomfortable, I started visiting other churches once every six weeks or so in hopes that God would show me the way. It kind of felt like going to the doctor. I didn't really enjoy it, but I knew it was the right thing for me to do.
• 2010 rolls around and as a result of my community group, I decide to organize a coffee shop concert in March to raise funds for Convoy of Hope's relief efforts in Haiti... appropriately entitled Hope for Haiti. I found a mix of local musicians, including (wait for it...) Paul & Sunia! They, along with two other musicians from the church they had planted, graced the shop with skillfully crafted tunes of hope, love & justice. I liked them. A lot... but from afar.
• Fast forward to the end of the summer, and I got a facebook message. (You were waiting to see how long it would take for me to start name dropping social network sites, huh?) It was from Sunia and she was asking me how I felt about putting together another benefit concert, this time for Pakistan. We called it Portland for Pakistan (I like alliteration, don't judge me) and set it for October. I was intrigued by this and decided I was interested in these people.
• Labor Day rolls around and of course that means BBQ time! Lo & behold my worlds collide and my Bible study people fuse with the people from this church plant (as a few of the Bible studiers overlapped with the church). I had a good convo with Paul about the church and what they were all about. I'm not sure if he knew I was secretly interviewing him. Heck, I don't know if I knew I was secretly interviewing him! After that I decided it was high time I checked these people out.
• So began my church dating relationship. We (me and the church) would "see each other" every three weeks or so. I was totally crushing but never would admit it. Come on now, I'm a lady! Plus, like I said, it would take a big thing for me to make a real commitment. I would bring friends with me every once in a while too to get their opinion (I guess you could equate it to having friends meet a boyfriend in hopes that they'll give you insight on whether he's a keeper or not). While people gave me the green light, I still wasn't convinced. And I guess that's okay. This is just how I am. My prayer life regarding this matter often would include questions like "God, I know You're moving me somewhere. Where?!" Aside from when I visited the Sunday service, I feel like I often would run into the church peeps at events & celebrations. Until one day, Sunia suggested we actually hang out. This brings me back to the beginning of this post... (goodbye, bullet points!)

We sat there slurping away and sharing bits about one another, vision, purpose, Portland, Jesus and how it all meshes... and stuff. Halfway through our dinner, Sunia said something to me. Something she promises she'd never said before. "I want to you pray & consider being a part of our church community". I am pretty sure I didn't really have much of a response, because I like to try and keep my thoughts and emotions at a simmer. But something sparked in me. Later that night and in the weeks to come I prayed harder and considered what was spoken so blatantly. I'd ask God "That's so strange! Why would she say that?" or "Can you believe that? God, that's so weird!" and I almost feel like God was looking back at me with eyebrows raised, like "Child, please. Are you serious?". But thank God for His patience and grace. If I were God, I'd have slapped my face. But He worked with my timing issues. He spoke sweetly to my soul and surrounded me with the right people to help a sista' out.

All that to say, I go to a church called The Groves. This post isn't even the "why" it's the "how", and seriously... even if I'm the only one, I'm amazed. Because it's totally not in my nature to be here. And there's no doubt in my heart and mind that God made this happen. God took randomness and made sense of it. The places I've been and the life I've lived are all a part of where I am today, churchiness and non-churchiness. The church I came from is a beautiful part of the story and where I go will be part of it as well. He took the bullet points of my days, the seemingly disconnected things, and brought them together. He does this with everything in our lives. He takes what we have, what He's given us... He takes what we see and can't see... and weaves it into a lovely little piece of art, which is our lives.

People say "when you know, you know"... and I guess it's not just true for lovers. 'Cause this is church... and while it took a few good God-nudges, I knew. God knew. He has me right where He wants me. He brought me here.

Treasures & Transformation

Change is not something I embrace, to say the least. It's been traced all the way back to me in the womb, as I was two weeks overdue. I mean, really, who naturally wants to leave the comfort and warmth of familiarity? So this way of being has carried through most of my entire existence. When changes come, I hold on for dear life. (I'm sure you'll see this echoed in blogs to come.) And while change isn't what I gravitate towards, I've learned that there are times when I just can't help but move. Why? Well, simply put. Because of God. He guides me... and while it's still tough, it gets easier as I come to grips with the fact that my life, in fact, is not my own. You know what else? Just because we move on from something, doesn't mean that what we left was necessarily a bad thing. It simply means it's time to move on to something different. Holding onto something that needs to be released is kind of like holding onto a banana. It's great at first and serves a purpose... but after a while, it gets rotten.

I wrote the following a year and ten days ago... and little did I know, the next year of life would prove, yet again, that this is truth! I thought it would be appropriate to re-publish it (and then some) on this newly formed bloggeroony.

One Man's Treasure, Another Man's Trash

One man's treasure, another man's trash-- I know, what a negative thing to say! But it's really it's not all that pessimistic, instead it's a matter of pride & perspective. 

Sometimes we cling to things that are kind of worthless. We pull a "Smeagol"... walking around and guarding our own little "precious" and all the while destroying ourselves. Then reality hits. Yes, the God-send of a person (or people) we have in our lives who is not afraid to let us know that our jewel is actually a cigarette butt. 

We hoard things... things that are actually quite useless. I might see a person, possession or situation through the prettiest of all  lenses. In reality, I have no business holding on to even the thought of it. I see a hotdog covered in relish & all the fixings. Blinded by my desperation for something... ANYTHING... I think it's the best thing for me when really there's a fabulous rib eye just beyond that silly little wienie. Why am I holding onto something that has no real value for my life?

OR!! What about this? One man's treasure is another man's treasure. "Whoa!", right? But I should say it more like "one man's "treasure", another man's TREASURE". We all live different lives and because we're human, nothing's perfect. A lot of times we think we've got things figured out only to have our world rocked. Can I get a witness?

We hold onto things that do not belong to us. Sometimes we live vicariously through someone else... whether it's realized or not. Holding onto the thought of something affects everything about us. The moment we look at another and wish their circumstances were ours, we've made their treasure our faux treasure. Do you see the problem? It's not ours! Or perhaps at a point in time, these things used to be our own. I wish I knew why things come and go... good things! God only knows the reason why people and circumstances ever enter the picture of our lives, and we have to be okay with not ever knowing the answer to the ever-haunting "why".

Every plan I made for me is gone in light of Him... Holding tightly onto these things, its worth now fades when I see all that He does. I've had enough of me; I give up. I want this to be my mindset. Giving up control is the first step. Change is something that will happen... voluntarily or not. How we react and proceed will determine the rest. I want to embrace the changes God brings my way and run in such a way that makes Him glow. 

Living in the treasures of yesterday will do us no favors. We've got to move ahead. I've got to move. And as we take those steps towards change, we'll be transformed into something even more beautiful. 

It's hard, but I believe totally possible. 

What's In A Name?

It's no secret that my sisters and I have nicknames for one another. Emphasis on the pluralization. There are some nicknames that are used merely a handful of times, and others that are used with quite a bit more frequency. The derivation comes from various sources, whether it's a middle name, a play on a first name, an event, a rhyme, or even a high school crush. The possibilities are endless! I'll give you some real-life examples.

My sister, Shauna, has a plethora of nicknames. In a given sentence I might call her a couple of the names. On a regular basis, I will refer to her as Shauncy... this came from a little preschool boy my mother used to teach Sunday School to a long time ago. Another is Nazanene... a long form of Nazzie, which came from Lazzie, which is the nickname of Shaunc's twin sister... and well, they're twins so matching nicknames are where it's at, right?? Nikko is also a name you'll hear her being called. Where did that come from? I'm not exactly sure. But the unspoken rule with her nicknames is that if starts with an "N" it's usually her nickname.

But more important than a nickname is a person's name name. A name is like a given birthmark... it's  a part of who a person is! Almost like the label that goes on a package.

When I was little, I didn't like my name. I thought it was weird. It was different and I didn't understand its meaning. To a little girl, what does "Of Good Character" mean anyway?! All I knew about the word "character" was associated with Disney or looney toons. I remember wanting a "normal" name like my friends at school. I wanted cool name plates & pencils with my name on it. Plus, it's not the most fun thing in the world when nearly every person you meet can't pronounce your name. Role call at school was pretty much the same year to year. The teacher would go down the list and I always knew when my name was about to be called, because there was a bit of a pause as the poor teacher (who was used to Saras and Joeys) had to attempt this new name. And yes, it carried into college. As I grew older, I got used to it and stopped correcting people. I allowed them to call me whatever interpretation of "Sunita" they could pronounce. It was kind of like a little game... for my entertainment only (I must say, one of my favorites was a guy calling me "Santini"... I'm still confused as to how he ever came to that pronunciation... in such cases, I just smile & nod).

I used to work at a bank, and that was certainly an experience in the name game, especially since I started out at a branch that was in a retirement area. Lots of Ethels & Henrys. However there was a sweet little old woman that would come through the drive through every now and then and make conversation with me. One day she asked me my name. I told her and she asked me to write it on her receipt. I think a month went by and she came through again. At the end of the transaction she handed me this...

I was pretty amazed. First off, because she found something with my name. Second, it had a radical, fresh take on the definition of my name. And thirdly, the verse is seriously something that I need reminders of daily... hourly... minutely. That was about six years ago. And as you can see, I still have it. It's by my bedside.

I don't know that I live up to my name as much as I should. But I do know that God has allowed me to have such a name for a purpose. I hope and pray by His grace that I can do it justice. Thanks to mis padres for giving me a unique name. They actually thought they made it up... and it turns out to be a real name... a real Indian name! I can't believe they did that! I'm the only one in my family with a really Indian name. Isn't that crazy?! Good crazy though.

I don't have kids, but I imagine one day the task of naming my son or daughter will be one of the greatest (and kinda freaky) honors EVER! After all, I'm essentially "branding" my baby!

What's in a name? A lot. Truth. Power. Identity. What does your name mean? And what does it mean to you? Like with products, the brand describes the product... but the product also helps define the brand. Your name not only shapes who you are... but you essentially shape the meaning of your name as well!

That's a big responsibility... a really beautiful one.