Switching Decades

I was recently posed some questions by a friend on my upcoming decade switch. She had asked how I felt and how I was coping. She also asked what I was clinging to and what advice I might have. I was caught off guard at first because I felt so unqualified to answer such questions, but after a little thought I realized I am qualified and soon conveyed the following message...


As far as your questions go, I don't know that I've come anywhere near being super comfortable with being thirty but I can try to answer you.

My thoughts.... hmmm well I never even really thought of myself as a thirty year old but my expectations for adulthood definitely included a man and kids by now. Which I don't have. But that's okay. I look at my adult life and realize much of how I've lived and things I've done are a reflection of being single (or unmarried at least). And those things have shaped me and formed my heart to be what it is today (ie my love for RFKC).

Had I gotten married at a younger age, I know these passions and experiences wouldn't have ever come to be. I don't consider myself lucky or unlucky in comparison to other girls my age. I just am me. (Cheesey...I know! But true!)

How do I cope? Well for the last year I've been writing something I'm thankful for each day and throwing that in a jar. My thought initially was if I'm crying when I turn thirty to look back in my last year and see the good things that it had encompassed. But along the way it's caused me to really reflect and be thankful for each day and the good things that are very present in my life. Whether it be strong relationships or a snow day. 'Cause even on a poop day, there's always something to be thankful for.

My advice is to surround yourself with a community that fosters love and cares for the things you care for (or want to care for).

It's weird to be here. But it's good. And even though I do cry some days...I am thankful and excited for my thirties! I have heard it's a good time!


And that's how I still feel. I've had so many great opportunities over the years and I know they are all a part of me right at this moment. I celebrate the music and food and fun and relationships that have been planted and cultivated in me in the last three (almost) decades. If I was the mother of a colony of kids that I pictured myself to be as a fifth grader, I know for a fact these good things I've experienced would have never been!

My life is great. It's not how I pictured it in my childhood days...

It's better.

1748

I just moved on up
To a place so warm and kind
Happiness ensues

"I Don't Got No Secretary!"

I was recently spending time with one of my friends who is charmingly free with her words. She is also a youngster. I feel like, though young, there is wisdom found in her simple statements.

She was texting this guy who she'd heard through the grapevine (oh hello, how old am I?? the grapevine?! such a gran...) likes her. She was telling me how stupid it is that he can't just tell her to her face. And she goes "If you like me, tell me! I don't got no secretary!!" And I died of laughter... several times in fact. I kept thinking about those words while we were hanging out and would randomly burst into laughter throughout the entire afternoon. A) because she said it in such a hilarious way and B) though simple and abrupt, it's kind of... really... absolutely true!

Not just with romantic relationships, but with all relationships. If there is something to say, it's probably best to go ahead and say it to the person it's aimed at rather than chit chatting to everyone but. For being a society that claims to get things done efficiently, I'd say this is a common practice that is quite counter productive to what we strive to be.

So as this year comes to a close, I'm going to try to embrace this profound truth. Direct communication. One of lifes more beautiful difficulties.

I like that. And I want to live like no one has a secretary...

'Cause fuh reelz... I ain't got no secretary yo!

Living In Denial

Sometimes I feel like trusting God is the same as living in denial.

 

Denial because the reality that's before me clearly is not necessarily favorable. Denial because it seems like nothing good can be sprung forth from what is. So in my head, saying I trust God is equated with denying that what's actually happening is happening.

 

But I guess that is actually what trust is. Trusting God is actually in control and not limited by what's before me. Trusting is denial in a sense. It's denying myself control and placing faith in Him. That He actually can give us miracles. He can. And He will. Because I think, I know and I've experienced that that is how God works. Through miracles. How quickly I forget when I face my next need. But the reality is my reality of madness ain't no thang for Him.

 

 

Oh God. I trust You. It is a little unnerving, but I trust You.

A Little Too Introverted

"Physically, I'm really attracted to you. Spiritually, I feel like we connect. Socially, you're a little more introverted that I'm used to... "

 

And then he went on about how there was some weird X-factor thing that I was missing too. But basically what I got out of the convo was that there was something terribly wrong with me, and a big part of that was my introvertedness. I had never seen this whole introversion as a thing much less a real problem. But from that moment I was paralyzed... for a good while, in fact. Trying desperately to snap out of this personality trait that was keeping me from what I thought was my full potential. Isn't it funny how no matter what positives are thrown our way, it's the negatives that stick? And by funny, I mean it's not funny at all. It's horrible.

 

After being torn for a while and playing out my life story to see where I might have gone wrong in becoming this way, I realized that this introvert was incurable and I reluctantly accepted it. 

 

Sooooo... I hoped and prayed for the only solution that I knew of. That's right, I prayed that God would give me the perfect extrovert of a spouse to counter my introvertedness. In my head, I would automatically rule out any potential fellow that gave me a glimmer of non-extrovert tendencies. Why would I need that anyway?! I need a raging beast to help me come out of this shell I live in.

 

I also found myself using this label of being an introvert as an excuse as to why I would or wouldn't do certain things. It's like I'd use it as a shield before even giving stuff a second thought. When people would ask me to do something I'd automaticaly think "No, I'm way too introverted to do that." And when I actually did do something out of the ordinary for how I saw introverts as being, I'd be really surprised with myself & view it as a fluke.

Over time though and as life has unfolded I've realized something: just because I am introverted doesn't mean shizzle diz! Seriously. I do & behave as things stir me and motivate me. To some people (including myself at times) there are things that I do that appear completely extroverted & out of character. But I love those things. And so I do them. And then there are things that fall under my label. And I love those things... so I do them!

At the end of the day, I think that label is just one way of understanding ourselves, but it shouldn't ever define who we are & it especially should never hold us back from anything.
 

So guess what? The guy in the above statement was right! I AM a little more introverted than he was used to... and that's okay. I'm also more extroverted than I give myself credit for.  And that is a-okay too!

I accept it. I embrace it. And I rejoice.

No Wheat? No Dairy? No problem!

And I should also add, no refined sugar, no peanuts, no chickpeas and... no chocolate! Ah!!

It's been a year. Yes. A year since I've eaten these things. And had you known my eating habits prior to October 15, 2012, you'd have observed that being the bakesta' that I am, I ate one or all of these things on a daily basis. But surprisingly when my doctor told me I need to steer clear of these foodie delights, I wasn't sad. I took it as a challenge. A culinary challenge. Here's the thing about me... as much as I love chocolate and all those things I listed above, what I love more is a culinary challenge. So with arms wide open I dove into this thing head on. And let me tell you, it's been the most informative and delicious culinary adventure I've been on thus far (and before all this I had about five years dedicated to self-taught chocolatiering... so that's saying something!)

I've experimented with more flours than I knew existed. I've discovered fruits and veggies galore. My palate has been retrained in the ways of sweetness. And interestingly enough, my sense of smell has heightened (this comes in handy when I bake "normal" things for others that I can no longer taste test... I call it bake by smell).

This whole dealio came at a perfect time and I am thankful. Not only has it aided in the growth of an already existing passion of mine, but my food restrictions made themselves known after I had dabbled enough in the baking world. Having had tried techniques and tastes, I can use my prior knowledge in the way I bake and cook.

So while people often feel like this is some burden for me, I see it as a gift. It "forced" me to step out of my foodie comfort zone and venture into a new place. I basically can accommodate most any food allergies that others might have. I know this is silly, but it reminds me in the Bible where it talks about going through hardships for the sake of walking through similar future hardships with others. Since food is a love language, I appreciate that I can understand other people's food restrictions so much more now.

And while I do hope one day I can taste a simple chocolate bar or bowl of hummus again, I honestly feel like this is a delicious dream come true.

The Thought That Counts

The thoughts I have I hold so dear

As though they're helpful for me

Whether or not they are the truth

Is a whole different story

A thought's a seed planted within 

The soil of human minds

And when the seed is fed enough

It grows and sprouts a kind

Of fruit that can be sweet or sour

Subjective yes, it's true

Some find the bitter taste real sweet

While to others it will not do

For thoughts can turn to actions quick

And reality they become

What was pretend and in my head

Was birthed and said and done

I want to be a person who

Knows sweetness from the sour

I want my fruit to be the best

To spread love and empower

And with the thought, the seed, it starts

So please help me to know

What is of You and what it not

The good seeds, Lord, let's sow!