28 on the 28th

I've finally hit it. My golden birthday. I turned 28 years old yesterday and for the first time in ten years, I'm not melancholy about being another year older. Don't ask me why I always got saddened when I gained another year, 'cause I couldn't tell you exactly why.

I do remember turning 18 and someone saying "It's time to grow up now!" I think it might have scared me real bad or something... because from that moment on birthdays were not joyous occasions. In part, it was probably connected to the fact that "being an adult" automatically meant having everything figured out. And let me tell you, I was nowhere close to having it all figure out at 18. Goodness, I still haven't quite gotten it!

But as the years have gone by, I've slowly fallen into the truth that "figuring it out" isn't really my number one task in life. In fact I think the title of my entire blog is closer to what my life's goal should be! If I use what I have and am a good steward of the skills, gifts, passions and everything I have... I think it'll be alright. And I have to say, coming to this realization (and truly letting it sink in) definitely releases the "bondage" of adulthood.

So I've been taking the things given to me and using them as my dear Lord leads. Some days it makes total sense what is going on... and other days I'm as confused as ever. I think the important thing is using the stuff we have. Just use it! No matter how big or small it may seem. As we use things, we'll be blessed all the more and those gifts we have will grow. It's like one of those sea monkeys. They start off small but as it's watered up and soaking over a period of time... it grows. Okay, maybe it's not exactly like the sea monkeys, but you know what I'm saying!

And here I am. A 28 year old girl. Embracing all that the next year of life holds. I am so very excited to see where life takes me and how these God-given gifts and desires will play out in all that lies ahead.

It's not my job to figure out this life. It is, however, my job to follow the One who has it all figured out! Off we go!!

By Your Grace

In May of last year, I was spending time with the One who made me. I like to sing and so naturally one way I show my affection is through music. I was reflecting on how much confusion and brokenness I live in, and clinging to the fact that He is the only One who can pull me out. Out of this time, a simple chorus was formed and it got stuck in my head. As the week continued, the chorus gained some verses and a bridge.

My church family has been blessed with wonderful musicians and songwriters. These are people with experience and insight that goes far beyond anything I could imagine upon myself, so I feel blessed to be considered a part of this demographic. And because of this presence of writers, a songwriting group was formed. It just so happened that at the end of the week I wrote the song, we had one of our meetings. Through the sharing of the song and feedback received, I went back to work and "By Your Grace" became what it is today. It was really a demonstration of God's grace in how this song came about. His timing, His provision, His grace allowed for this song to come forth. And now a little more about the song...

You see, we live in a broken world and it is only by grace that we can be saved. There's darkness & confusion. Worry and sadness. But there is hope! And His name is Jesus. We call & cry out to God, and He pulls us closer to Himself and covers us by His love and grace. I am thankful.

I think we often try to earn our place in His kingdom, but there is just nothing we can do to deserve anything. And that's where grace steps in and takes us to glorious places. He takes the brokenness, the darkness, the stress, the crazy, the wrong and the right... and uses them all for His purpose & His will. Our job is simple & hard all at the same time for us humanly folk... to trust and obey. His grace covers all.

So as I share this song on this little bloggeroo, my wish is that you really adopt this song-prayer as your own and allow the comfort & knowledge of grace resonate within your soul. I've recently been given a beautiful opportunity to share this song in a more public manner. It's surreal and soooo cool all at the same time.... and yet another display of God's grace.

The darkness swells around me

All I see is empty space

Still You hold every part of me by Your grace

Lord, You save

I'm calling out Your name as I bow down

Calling out Your name as I cry

So pull me into You for I'm broken

Cover me by Your grace

You search and know and love me

In everlasting ways

So I call to You for mercy

And by Your grace

Lord, You save

I'm calling out Your name as I bow down

Calling out Your name as I cry

So pull me into You for I'm broken

Cover me by Your grace

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus... hold me still

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Your grace and will

I'm calling out Your name as I bow down

Calling out Your name as I cry

So pull me into You for I'm broken

Cover me by Your grace

Break To Open

So... apparently I am a songwriter. I know it sounds weird that I say it like that, but if you knew all my past insecurities about the matter you'd understand a bit more. But yes, God's given me this sweet gift of song-ifying. And though I can't confidently say this was always a part of who I am, maybe the truth is it was always a part of me and I simply wasn't aware. Until recently...

I used to think there was a special formula or something for writing songs. I have been blessed to know so many talented songwriters, and so while I knew it was not right to think this way... I felt I had a lot to live up to. After a while I just accepted the fact that I was a vocalizer, not writer. And I was okay with that.

But... you see, God put a song in my heart yet I didn't know it was there. But it doesn't matter that I was oblivious, 'cause He knew... and it was just a matter of time before it surfaced and broke free. It literally came out when my heart broke. How cliche is that? I don't mind though, because it's how God brought forth the gift in me. 

Songs are many things and encapsulate so much. Songs are dreams. Songs are thoughts. Songs are silly. Songs are prayers. 

Strange as it sounds, my first song started while I was sitting in a curriculum design class, almost two years ago now. I often write prayers to God and what started as a prayer of circumstance, turned into a prayer of life-surrender, which then became a musical prayer (aka song) that afternoon in my devo-time after class. I feel like the best part of this whole "becoming a songwriter" process was that the first song that I wrote is what I consider the very purpose for my music and being, period!

Every thought and every word, I trust in Your endless love

Every step my soul cries out "I surrender all"

I long for You

Glorify Yourself in me, all I desire is Yours

And as I look to You in all You have for me

All that I am is in You, Lord

Teach me in the ways of You, I am lost without

Grateful heart in all that comes from you, please show me how

I long for You

Glorify Yourself in me, all I desire is Yours

And as I look to You in all You have for me

All that I am is in You, Lord

It took brokenness for this gift to be open in my life. I had to break for it to open! And while being broken is not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world... there is no better comfort than being in the hands of the ultimate Healer. Now I've got this gift that I fully intend to use, remember the title of this blog? Using what we have. 

But because You say so...

I've been simmering on this story from Luke 5 for the last few days and I just can't seem to shake it...

"One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, the people were crowing around Him and listening to the word of God. He saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then He sat down and taught the people from the boat. When he had finished speaking, He said to Simon, 'Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.' Simon answered, 'Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because You say so, I will let down the nets.'"

And to cut to the chase, basically they put out their nets and caught more fish than imaginable. Amazing.

I try to do things the way they "ought" to be done. I follow the rules and go the safest route possible. But I am gradually learning that ultimately I'm not the one calling the shots. Now, keep in mind, there is nothing wrong with working hard and trying to get 'er done! But I like to think I'm pretty logical. So if something doesn't add up quite right, I hardly give it another thought. 

Simon (aka Peter) worked his tail off the night before, during the prime time for fish catching. And nothing happened. So when this God-man came around with advice that went against all he knew to be true, I wonder what went through his mind. I mean, he basically said "We already tried... during the best time of day, at that! Your advice doesn't make sense". But it doesn't really matter that he said that, right? Because what he said next was what mattered most. "But because YOU say so, I'll do it!" And before he knew it, there was a fish fest in his boat!

So I guess it doesn't matter if the prompting of the Lord defies gravity. If He says it, we best be doing it. Because He knows better than all of humanity and goes beyond all that makes sense. I'm glad I know Him. 

Running Into Closed Doors

There's a girl walking down a long, dark hallway. Every few strides there are open doors off to the side. Doors promising hope of finally getting out of this never-ending hall. So she breathes deeply and walks up to the closest door. Maybe this time the door will stay open long enough for her to walk through. But it closes just as she is ready to enter. She knocks on the door... yanks on the handles trying to pull it open... and it won't budge. It's not going to let her in. Soooo she probably wants to throw a tantrum right there. And let's be real here... she probably does (or has already in the other slammed-door encounters along the way).

After composing herself, she walks on.

I hate it when that happens, don't you? But you know the good thing about closed doors in life? There's a pretty clear answer! Yea, it doesn't really give you that warm fuzzy feeling inside, but it's an answer nonetheless. I am always searching for "the answer" in life's adventures. It's good to remember that a "no" is as valid an answer as a "yes". And it's way more clear than a "maybe".

So today, while it's not always an enjoyable thing, I am thankful for closed doors. God provides these as much as the open doors. And it means that what lies ahead is better. Hey, open door! I can't wait to walk through you.

Life is Like a BOWL of Chocolate

A few weeks ago I was preparing some chocolate confections for a craft fair happening in the community. Since I work with chocolate semi-frequently, chocolate and I have come to understand one another to a degree. Chocolate is pretty temperamental (kind of like me, actually) so when it comes to a meltdown (literally), I have to keep a watchful eye. However this last time, I made a mistake that cost me a batch of what could have been sweet sustenance. 

In an effort to multitask, I walked away from my bowl of chocolate while it was melting. I wasn't stirring it constantly. I wasn't keeping it on a low heat setting. I wasn't even looking at it. Until... I returned and saw a scorched mess of sugary mass unfit for even the most desperate chocolate addict. It was ruined and I had to start all over again. In hopes to get more things done, I ended up being unfocused and wasteful.

And God spoke to me.

I thought about this chocolatey situation in light of life. We all have so many gifts, skills and passions. I believe we are called to use those to the best of our ability. But sometimes we find that we spread ourselves a little too thin... doing too much... multi-tasking... "getting more done". All these things are good things... but sometimes it's just best to say "no". Deep down, I struggle with letting jobs go 'cause for some strange reason I think that if I'm not the one to do it, I will have let someone down or the task simply won't get done. Or worse!! I think I'm the one that is capable of doing it the best, so why wouldn't I just do it?! The truth is, there are many people in this world way better than all of us. Taking on another task doesn't do anyone any good. We're stifling another's gift and clouding our own vision all at the same time. Bad, bad, bad!!

As this year comes to a close, I want to release this way of being. I want to focus on what needs to be focused on for me. I want to dedicate myself to the bowl of chocolate and make it the very best it can be. While I am a proponent of getting down to business and maximizing time... I am coming to see that working linearly, in a sense, can be more fruitful. So here's to 2012! May we take inventory of ourselves and grow & grow in the gifts knit within our being.

Oh and the end of my chocolate story goes like this...

(My choco-love booth at The Holiday Boutique)

I learned from my mistake that day, and the second time around the chocolate turned out perfectly melted. I stayed focused, even though it meant getting rid of some other components of my sugary confections. To be quite honest, I didn't need the other fluffy stuff. The lack of bells and whistles made my sweet treats shine more... the way chocolate was meant to be!

Let's grab hold of 2012 and shine like perfectly tempered chocolate. It's possible. We've got the Master Chocolatier working on us.

No American January

I never knew January 2011 in America. But that's okay... because... I was on the other side of the world!! A year ago I boarded a plane and headed to South Korea.

I was part of a team of Portlanders, a Californian, an East Coaster and a Illinoisan and we were commissioned to teach English to elementary and middle school students during winter English camps. It was a time of stretching and growth. Of breaking and bonding. And it was a fitting way to start this year of thoughtful transience.

We had a number of duties during our time abroad, including...



Yes, this happened and it was a pleasant surprise to be on a team that was capable of such a harmonious blend. What are the chances?

During my time in So Ko... I experienced a reunion (with a family who hosted me in 2007 in a town a few hours from where I was this time), sickness (for a few weeks... of all sorts... and I'll leave it at that! It was gross), encouragement, opportunities & obstacles. It was such a beautiful thing and I am forever grateful for the chance to have done this with such a great group of people.

One of the highlights was learning from the people on my team. Each person brought  a necessary element to our purpose. The group couldn't have been better.  I came home challenged and inspired.